Hi! HI THERE! Hello! HI FRIEND!! I am Jack! Look at me! Here I am. I like you. Do you like me? I am JACK. BIG DOG JACK!! Hi! Can I smell your...?

Oh. Sorry.

I am Jack, old-fashioned yellow Labrador. I am very Thick. I am very very Thick. It's good to be Thick. WAG TAIL. Pant. Get patted. Thick means Good.

I have a big Pack, very big Pack, all different kinds of dog.

One kind of dog - standing-up-on-back-legs-type-smell-of-ape dog with no fur, no tail. Some big, some little. Apedogs.

Other kind of dog - normal-walking-type dog with fur, hidden claws.

And me.

Here is my Pack.

Front paw. Biggest standing-up apedog is Master and Packleader. He is very very Big (bigger than you). He has a big deep bark. He has a big belly, lots of dark fur on face (not much on head). He makes things with his clever paws in his little wooden den: sometimes he makes lines on paper with burnt sticks, or he puts lots of different-smelling slime on bits of paer, or he makes huge things out of wet earth. I get much whacking when I eat paper-with-smears even though the smell is so interesting. But whatever he does is Good because he is my Packleader and also Tom Stopes, also Dad. He is the biggest apedog. I love him HUGE AMOUNTS. More than steak, even.

Other front paw. Next biggest apedog is Pack Lady of my Pack, also Charlie-short-for-Charlotte, also Mum, also Darling. She is not as big as the Packleader (in fact she is quite little) but she barks higher and even more. She has no fur on face, lots of dark fur on head. She is SCARY FIERCE sometimes if she finds you with head-in-dustbin. I love her BIG AMOUNTS. More than pork chops.

Back paw. Apedog puppy bitch. She is nearly big now. She is Teresa, or Terri. She has no fur on face, fur on head, cuddles me. She has a box with loud howling and banging inside. She sits next to it and howls. Why does she get mad when I help with howling? I do not understand. I love her A LOT. More than kidneys.

Other back paw. Immature male apedog puppy. Smaller than Terri. No fur on face, short fur on head, runs around barking lots. Sits on two-wheel-go-fast thing WATCH OUT JACK - YOU STUPIDOG. He is good to cuddle. He helps me dig for bones. Often he gives me Sugar Puffs and bits of toast and peanut butter - funny, sticky - but nice taste. He is called Pete. I love him a HUGE LOT. More than cow-liver, even.

Tail. Other male apedog puppy. Small. Very small. Was smaller. First he was a roly-poly no-fur puppy, getting milk from Pack Lady - NO, NOT FOR YOU, JACK. Why not? Anyway, now he is standing-up-type apedog, but short. He is friendly. When I kiss him, he licks my face. He is called Mikey and also Baba. I love him LOTS. More than chicken.

There are also normal-walking-with-fur-and-tail but small and hidden-claws. YOWP! They don't like me smelling their tails. We have lots. Stripy one, Remy. Black-and-white one, Maisie. White-and-black one, Muskie. More paws than I've got. Too many paws. Too hard. I love them a bit. Funny-looking dogs.

There are also lots of Small Furries outside. Also Slimys in pond JUMP JUMP YOWP! Also Flying Featheries that cats make into meat and leave on kitchen floor and Pack Lady stands on half of in the morning and runs around barking and howling LOTS and throwing cats through the back door. I do not understand why cats make Flying Feathery and Furry friends into meat, but they say they like it and I am too Thick to live and what do I think I eat anyway?